Love and Happiest of Birthdays to Me

I have been mum about my birthday and it’s quite unusual. If you’ve followed this blog for some time, you would know that July is a month-long celebration for me. I usually don’t have birth “days”. I go all out and have birth “months”.

Well, thirty five is different. 35. Doesn’t it sound so.. ominious? The week of my birthday started out with a blog post like this:

“My birthday week is finally here and I have to be honest, I dread it. If you’ve followed this blog and if you know me, this is mighty unusual. I typically welcome my birthday month with revelry and celebrate the entire month, but this year, I don’t quite have that in me. This is the first year that I’ve had the outlook of lets-just-get-this-over-and-done-with. I am in full blown denial. I’m not used to it myself.

And maybe a lot of it has to do with the fact that I’m thirty five in a couple of days. 35. It’s so in-between and I think that is what is so unsettling about it. I look at the prospects ahead and it seems like 35 really is just the age where one cruises until retirement. Yes! I’m such an existential flow that I’m contemplating life’s jarring realities as retirement! On one hand it’s melodramatic, but on the other, it’s practical and oh-so-boring. There are none of the milestones, the crazy must-do’s, the must-haves of the twenties, and even the early 30’s. Because really, when done right, at 35, you would have already done those, had those, bought those. When those have all been ticked off, what remains is just, well, what? Could anyone tell me?”

But I have learned that when I turn into an ungrateful, sourpuss bitch, someone I don’t even want around, I know to count my blessings, and those I have countless of! Between this birthday and my last one, I have traveled to many places in different corners of the world, many of which only existed in my daydreams long ago.

Just a few of my travels in between birthdays: Venice, Amsterdam, Paris, and Puerto Rico

I chose not to have a party this year, the first in a long while. I truly had wanted to evade the birthdayness. I was on full on denial. Yet all along, I just wanted to be on my mountainbike, in solace with nature where the social constructs that I allow to bog me down are absent. On a saddle, in the mountains, freaking biological clocks are silenced shut. It was one hour of “teeter-totters”, a term I’ve stolen from another rider we met on the trail. All it means is plenty of undulation in the hills – up and down and away. The dirt single tracks were narrow and sometimes, a miscalculation would send you careening down a pretty steep hill. It was not entirely running away. It was just being present and allowing an experience to transcend everything else.

On the final day of my birthday month, I do want to make up and feel the gratitude and love that has swung my way. Thank you. I am alive and I never for a second want to take that feeling of really being here for granted. As with every birthday, I resolve to strive to always have that feeling of aliveness, not just mere living. And it is always, always an uphill battle, but my prayer is that I become the best version of myself yet, regardless of circumstance, and to be the kind of person I actually love having around.

A fitting reminder at the cafe where we had lunch after the mountain bike ride

Love and happiest of birthdays to me.
Trish

Playing Dress-Up the Grown-Up Way

My favorite thing about a summer birthday is that I actually get to spend it in one of my most favorite places - outside.

I have been working on sprucing up our outdoor space since the beginning of summer.  The IKEA Ammero is in its second summer and it has held up very well withstanding snow and wind.  This space used to have a lot of red tones (see "before" pictures here), but I was ready for a younger, fresher look.  I went for the unusual combination of summer blue and coral.  Which as it would turn out, would also be the theme for my intimate summer backyard birthday party.

I sewed the chevron print curtains and all the printed throw cushion covers.  I ordered the fabric online from Fabric.com, which I later realized also sold at Amazon.com for cheaper shipping.  The solid orange ones are from IKEA.  The sheer curtains were the same ones I've had from last summer.  

With a Cricut Mini, I made all the pennant banners with printed cardboard stock.  It took longer to make than if I had just bought some at the store, but these are more personalized and really fun to make.  

I sewed these table runners using leftover fabric from the pillows.  The candle votive holders are also made of cardboard stock die-cut in a lovely pattern.  Yes, I also made those. 

I had requested my gracious friend to get some helium balloons in blue and coral.  They completed the festive theme for the party!  I never really knew how everything would come together.  So it was an utter delight to to see that everything did!  

In keeping with the theme, I picked up these paper straws and cut out moustaches from black cardboard stock.  I happen to have friends who don't mind poking fun at themselves.  To hold plasticware and the straws, I dressed up these mason jars with strips of leftover cardboard stock that I used for the pennants.

In a moment of synchronicity, while wandering around Target looking for nothing in particular, The Dutch and I saw these paper plates and napkins that exactly match our party decor.  They were $1 each pack of 8 - at 70% off!  Time to hoard!

And remember those votive holders?  Post-party, they will transform and be recycled into thank-you cards like this one I started tonight:

You'll know when the party was a roaring success if there is no shortage of loud, boisterous laughter until late.  We had a constant stream of delicious food and libations, and had a wild time playing games like little children.  And I am convinced it's these simple things that make life great, colorful and beautiful: love and togetherness with family and friends.   

I'm re-reading Jack Kerouac's "On the Road" and I have never thought this before, but I find the madness of his wild spirit rather intimidating. Yet, as double-three makes a gracious exit, I yearn to live like the one typefied by Kerouac:

"... the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars...."

Cheers to more colorful celebrations of life!  

Thirty four, BRING IT ON.  

That Time of the Year

If you've followed the metamorphosis of this blog, you could probably surmise how huge July is for me, it being the singular, most narcissistic month of the year because it's my birthday month.  Sara Bareilles has a new album out and I was listening to her commentary about a song she wrote called "December", her birthday month.  It turns out, we share the pensive mood surrounding our birthdays.  There's this covert pressure of being somewhere better than you were the year past, and for me, the leading days are the tentative approach to the day where I muse on the weighty question - Am I a better version of myself than ever?  

After four months of putting up (sometimes with hands flailing in the air in frustration) with a torn knee ligament and meniscus due to a ski accident in March and barely dodging knee surgery, I'm finally back on the yoga mat again.  And in a brief lucid moment in savasana when I was gazing at my life impersonally as if it weren't even mine, a settling feeling of contentment washed over me. 

I had spurts in the past where sadness loomed like an ominous cloud - not for things I could not possess or acquire, but because I was unrecognizable to myself.  But now, that's a distant reverie.  A full week before the actual date of my (auspicious!) birth, I have calm.  I have equanimity.  I celebrate not just another year of my life but I celebrate that I do so with recognition of who I am, where I belong, and what my place is in this world.  I am grateful and I realize that this is a gift, this clarity that life is about earning and deserving the great things - not the ephemeral, material ones, but the intangible, ethereal ones, the ones that take a lot more painstaking work.  And I pray for an unstoppable momentum to be the best human being I can be yet, year after year after year.  

Namaste.   

Private Party

To someone with an intrepid streak of wanderlust, there couldn't be a more wonderful birthday present than to wake up in a city never before explored. For my own birthdays, I always try to celebrate my own life even more audaciously than normal by doing something I have never done before. Even better if it's something I have never done before out of fear. I have always been madly curious about Denver yet could not name an instance where I got even close to booking a trip here. I did not imagine I would one day end up here on my birthday, on my work's dime. (Never mind that's the week after the theater shooting in Aurora, about nine miles from here.)

Life is a rockstar that way sometimes.

From my procrastinated search on the shuttle from the airport to downtown Denver, I got a sense that farm-to-table is a cult here. There are even restaurants who now grow their own veggies onsite. I was salivating that entire half hour ride.

Walking around downtown, upon my first handshake with Denver, it did not disappoint. Walking on 16th Street towards LoDo, the city was pulsating with the energy of a city that thrives on that which is simple and natural. It's not just the recycle bins on the pedestrians/bicycles only 16th strip, but also on the thoughtful placement of amazingly beautiful container gardens everywhere, or the kale and chard growing on planter boxes on the sidewalk. (So far), I have not yet run into anything glaringly pretentious like massive glass buildings or repetitive retail chains. The buildings around are brick reeking of character and history.

The Kitchen on 16th and Wazee is touted as one of the 25 Best Restaurants in Denver. Even on Sundays, they serve dinner and stay open late. This is a divine place for fresh, local, organic food over conversations. Which all abound. The interiors had that industrial chic feel to it, which again, is devoid of any pretense. It was a tough pick for what to order, but what won me over were lychee martini, pig's ears (oh yes, I did!), char grilled white sturgeon in lemony caper yumminess, and the delectable toffee pudding with pecans a la vanilla gelato. Warning: you might forget your name after first bite.

I did not always have such a charmed life and especially since it's my birthday, I wanted to pause for gratitude. I could not imagine a better life for myself. I have enough work to keep me on my toes but not up all night. I have been blessed with that coveted luxury to EARN to see the parts of the world I have chosen to thus far. I have more than enough love from the family and very intimate circle of friends who will vouch for my character and integrity. I have the love, loyalty, and respect of a great, great man. I have made mistakes, some of them colossal, but none that ended up in remorse or regret. And in the end, in all utmost honesty, I can say that even I'm not yet quite the person I want myself to be, I can attest that I always weigh in with not speaking malice about anyone, and with pouring all of me in all that I CAN.

What more does a girl need?

Happy birthday to me, from becoming and charming, Denver, Colorado!

Namaste.

Thrity-Freaking-Two… And Counting (Blessings)…

The birthday month was stuffed with so much good stuff, it will be an understatement to say that I have not had time to pause, relive, and write about it.



As a result, I again have been invoking slowing things down a little bit, even for just a couple of days at a time, to preserve that fragile spot of independent wholeness (and wildness!). In my waking moments of quietness, the prayer that I utter is one of gratefulness for the kindness and warmth of the loving people around me, for the lessons I am ceaselessly being taught every single day, and just overall, for the sun that still rises and sets regardless. Bottom line is I am grateful for life and for being alive.

The prelude to thirty-two was pretty quiet, and somber. I’ve been through some crazy years, some lost years, then came the found years, but I don’t remember having gone through a stable, quietly happy like this one is promising to be. I feel like I know myself more than I ever have before, and the most profound thing is that I accept and love that self. I have no urges to jump off towers or planes – that desire has passed. Come to think of it, other than the occasional travel (sigh.. Europe, Nepal and Dharamsala have still not happened – but Quebec and Hawaii will in the immediate future), I really have no burning desires to go crazy. I am in a very sweet spot where I am not out to prove anything or to find anything. And I will say this in the humblest way possible, but everything I need in my life (non-material, for the most part), I pretty much have right now.

What a gift...

Namaste.

A Decade Too Late

The Las Vegas Birthday Experience

I see Las Vegas as an Exploratorium on the human condition. Debauchery, hedonism, and indulgence are everywhere. It’s all here – the fake, plastic things they have often cautioned us won’t give us happiness – money, sex, drugs, and alcohol. On steroids. Even the architecture is fake it’s hard not to see it as

a satiric representation of what the city offers. Tour de Eiffel, Arc de Triomphe, Chrysler Building and Empire State

are here. It’s tacky and funny, one can’t help but love it.

Everyone is a tourist out for a good time. You look in people’s eyes and you see that fire burning in their eyes seeking that opportunity to abandon their inhibitions. I find it very interesting that it’s the favorite destination of people being initiated into adulthood by drowning in inebriation and belligerence. Most likely, that same person and his/her friends will be back in a few years for that one last crazy high before they subject themselves to the shackles of married suburban life.

It doesn’t make any sense to me. No matter. If you just allow it to pass you and not penetrate you, you’ll survive and actually have a good time, come home with your sanity, memory, checking account, integrity, and human dignity still intact.

Otherwise, Vegas will eat you alive. The fainthearted and weak-willed are strongly cautioned. Vegas will gently nudge you to go through your motions of one-night stands, strip clubs, gambling, shopping, and non-stop drinking. After using you up, it will send you home with a compounded hangover and maxed out credit (I don’t think anybody leaves this city richer, even if you do manage to win at the tables). And you’ll be back at your job the next day, staring at your computer screen and scratching your head wondering why, despite all that “fun” documented in your digital camera, you still feel hollow inside.

But if you see things just for what they are, I think it is a wonderful place to learn who you are. Some psychologists would argue that when you react strongly and negatively to something that you see in someone, you are actually reacting to that piece of yourself you have not accepted yet so you project it on to the other person. You are basically reacting to you. You don’t want to take responsibility for that awful, negative characteristic you still possess, so you want somebody else to carry it for you. So is it true then that if you don’t react to it, then you no longer identify with that part of you who’s caught in that spiderweb?

If you’re playful with it a little bit, charm it, smile with your eyes with it, flirt with it, dance with it, Vegas will be extremely easy on you. Vegas will serve you complimentary wine on the plane. Vegas will upgrade you to a one bedroom suite. Vegas will buy you drink after drink. Vegas will get you in parties without having to pay cover or stand in ridiculous lines.

I’m glad I waited a decade before I jumped in the Vegas bandwagon. I came home hangover-free, debt-free, sober, and feeling good knowing that I’m not that impressionable anymore. It’s a comfortable feeling to know that my identity is not built around a lot of things that would and could entrap. I don’t know if I could have said that at twenty-one.

Best of all, I got a real, melty, warm, cozy Danish "teddyhug" - in Vegas, of all places, where nothing is supposedly real.

Oh, life’s such a contradiction sometimes!!!

Exodus

In a few minutes, I celebrate my exodus out of the best year of my life thus far. I often hear of people talk about “prime” of their life. I am convinced I'm in mine. While it’s true that in so many aspects, the beginning of that year and practically my entire year at 29 was a year of immense heartbreak, profound disorientation, and utter numbness, a year later, I find myself in the complete opposite end of the spectrum. My life the past year resembled that of the legend they tell of the phoenix, it seems like sometimes. And for this, I pray for humility. And also for this too, I celebrate.

For the big 3-0, I went on a ten-day solo vacation in Portland, a place close to my heart. It ws something I had been dying to do for a long time. I threw the rules out the window and with my fearlessness and intuition packed in my carry-on, I celebrated life the way I wanted to. It was an amazing journey back to me. On the actual day of my birthday, I went on a 12-mile, day-long hike at one of the most beautiful places I have ever been to. At the climax of the hike, the blanket was laid out, the beautiful Reisling uncorked, and Cliff Bars unwrapped. The quiet magnanimity of the place embraces you like you've never been embraced before. It was quite the experience.

Out there, there was nothing but your God and you. Everything was a glimpse of the perfection that can only be mastered by a presence so divine, supreme, yet real and tangible. There was waterfall after waterfall after waterfall, the penultimate of which was Tunnel Falls, the massive beauty that you were given the privilege to touch. It was the perfect way to celebrate 30 monumental years. Despite the fact that I have never hiked before being the classic urbanite that I am, the entire eight or so hours felt nothing but a walk in the park, a hike to the clouds. It's here that you realize that sometimes when you let go of silly, unfounded rules, you are rewarded with astounding moments you will remember the rest of your life. Moments such as these:

And that was literally just the beginning of 30. Can you imagine what the rest of the year was like??? Now, the bags are packed for the trip to welcome 31!

Goodbye, Thirty. You were nothing but amazing. I think of you and I get soft, moooshy, and tender inside.

Hello, Thirty-One. I have this sneaking suspicion that you and I will get along very well... Disarmingly well...

NAMASTE!!!!

P.S. My birthday prayer:

Karaoke, Lumpia.. Kumbaya!!

The Colonel sent me an email today in response to my latest blog post. I was fighting tears when I read the email. Sometimes, I feel very alienated because it seems like I'm going through growth and transformation at precocious speeds. I look around and no one else seems to be going through the same introspective experience. Some of the things that matter to me, I find don't matter to other people. The things I ponder on like consciousness and true unconditional love seem absent in what people think about before they fall asleep. It is a personal journey, and one that is proving to be hecka lonely and I agree with The Colonel, pretty humiliating sometimes. So it is refreshing to have an exchange with someone who has gone through similar experiences. It makes the path a little less lonely and times like these, company is definitely welcome.

When I started writing my blog, I never really expected people to read it. But since I've published it, I've had random people tell me how they appreciate reading about how I skate, sometimes, limp my way through life. But I never expected the encouragement that The Colonel has been showering me with! I am very grateful.

The last couple of weeks, I’ve been spending time alone and have not had any “distracting male company”. I think this could be the longest stretch of time I have gone without such distractions since The Breakup. My resolve is not the strongest sometimes so where my own will has failed, I have prayed for the Powers That Be to intervene. Now that it is here, some cathartic things are cropping up. They are going to be difficult to face, but it is something I know I have to do.

While I think I have done a pretty good job of recovering from The Breakup since it's been a year after all, I still have a lot of work to do. The guilt still eats me alive, and maybe that is a healthy thing to feel. So I allow it to come. I just keep on praying that one day, I get to forgive myself. Forgive myself from what exactly, I don’t even know what yet.

I have a rose bush in the front yard that is 90% dead. A neighbor told me that

I need to cut off the dead branches for the new ones to grow. After I got home from work today, I finally confronted this task I have been avoiding. As I cut the old, dead parts away, I thought how life sometimes works the same way. Sometimes, to live, we must die first.

Now more than ever, I am very fortunate to be surrounded by people like The Colonel and the Italian both - people who do a lot of work on themselves and people who recognize that it is an unending process only possible with God’s grace. They are inspiring people who bring God-ness alive here today, in real life. People who are Yogis in their own right and who are living spiritual, contemplative lives without having to enter the convent/priesthood, without having to leave their professional careers. The interesting thing is there are too many parallelisms between the two to ignore. They are both engineers, both Catholics, and both were addicts at some point. Both are completely sober now and share a passion for fast motorcycles. Funny thing is, they have never met. It will be interesting to bring these two people in a room. Will it instantly feel like they are looking at a mirror when they first meet?

And speaking of gratitude for people who become part of the patchwork of our lives, the most intimate people in my life (sans The Colonel and The Italian who are both out of the country, and a couple of Yogis) gathered for an early

birthday lunch filled with laughter and sunshine on Saturday. It was the first time I have brought these people together and it’s amazing to just sit back and watch how everyone’s heart open up to the person they have just met. There were so many little conversations, I could not keep track of a single one. People were talking about meditation and Artown and religion and history and tiramisu and culture and salsa dancing and Filipinos, before the craziness of karaoke started. There was so much genuineness around, it still warms my heart when I think about it. The Indian made jokes about himself and before leaving tells me he is glad he finally met my Mother. My Mother tells me she sees so much goodness in The Cheerleader. The Cheerleader tells me she really likes the girl who Almost-

Became-a-Nun. The Australian calls me today and said the same thing, except that she mentions the guy who Almost-Became-a-Priest as well. My Indian Sister ran into The-Neighbor-who-Mows-My-Lawn who she knew from college. The following afternoon, after partying until 3AM, the Cousin and I curled up on the couch to get (re) initiated into the genius that is Moonlighting (Oh, David Addison, you make me swoon).

And it cannot go without mention how my heart still swells yet with more gratitude for my Mother, a great, giving woman, who went to such great lengths to prepare such a fabulous meal for all the guests. She slaved in the kitchen and made everyone feel like they were her own family.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is unconditional love.

XOXOXOXO

Trish

P.S. It’s been unbearably hot lately, I know, but today I saw a postman in the 89431 (old/downtown Sparks) walking under the scorching afternoon sun just so you can get your bills, Netflix movie, magazine subscription and other snail mail in your mailbox. Such unsung heroes, these people who keep our postal system running as it should. Next time you are on the verge of complaining how hot it is, it wouldn’t hurt to stifle it and imagine walking a mile in the mailman’s shoes.

P.P.S. The lavender that I planted in the ground a week ago is doing well! There is hope for me after all. I have not killed the rosemarys yet, but the last two lavenders that went in the ground are in a coma right now. I hope they make it. I am secretly hoping that for my birthday, someone will get me this type of evergreen tree I was enamored by (still researching what species it is) at a recent hike, but instead I got a cyclamen, and I’m happy! She even came with an aquaglobe!

P.P.P.S. On Sunday, my Cousin let me drive her Jaguar. Funny how it does not feel any different than driving any other car. So I come to a conclusion that a car is a car is a car. (Of course, I have not yet driven a convertible stick Porsche). I have the same philosophy about people. People are people are people. I know I just labeled a bunch of people in this post, but I felt compelled to do so to protect the anonymity of the innocent. :)

Thirty One at Thirty One

I have made it a personal credo to find things to celebrate everyday, but July is my birthday month and I plead guilty to selfish desires of celebrating more of myself everyday this month. I have unraveled so many gifts in the last year and I don't ever want to slip into complacency and begin taking any of these gifts for granted. The older I get, it seems the more I am grateful for the gift of perception, that which makes us feel and see the beauty amidst the chaos, the calm despite the noise. I pray that I keep alive this sense of aliveness. I want to stare at the endless blue sky or the stars at night and always feel like it's the first time and the last simultaneously. I want to be overwhelmed with things you cannot describe everytime you hear a child giggle. I want to ricochet with joy and dance whenever I feel like it. Will these things go away ten years from now, I wonder?

Artown opened today and it was so fun being outside, listening to eclectic, borderline kitschy music at Wingfield Park. It was a sight to behold such shiny happy people basking in the summer sun, sitting on the grass and lost in their own happy places.

I cannot rave enough about Artown, this month-long celebration of art, culture, and music in Reno (www.renoisartown.com). The Reno Pops Orchestra is performing at Bartley Ranch this weekend and Soljibe will be at the UNR Quad next

week for Watermelon Wednesdays. I have front row seats to see Reno Chamber Orchestra perform Cirque de la Symphonie mid-July. I believe there is a single painting Picasso exhibit at the Nevada Museum of Art all month. I might miss the Sierra Nevada Ballet since I will be in Las Vegas the weekend they are performing, but I'm hoping they have other shows this month. I have always wanted to go to the Shakespeare Festival at Sand Harbor in Tahoe and I think I will finally get to go this season! In between, I am hosting an uber early birthday party with my family and maybe a bbq with friends. To end the month, I will be going to a cousin's wedding and maybe, get to go to the Wanderlust Festival for a day.

I'm making this month mine and I don't see how everyone can't do the same! Oh thirty one, I'm looking forward to you!

Love, Love, and more Summer Love,

Trish