Is life really about throwing spaghetti on the wall and seeing which sticks? Is this what the Masters say when they say “Neti, Neti” (in English, “Not this, not that.”)? Is life really simply a division equation where we employ exhaustively the process of elimination? I have read the Dalai Lama talk about how Buddha encourages his followers to discern, challenge, and most of all, experience the teachings for themselves; if they don’t make sense, discard them. But not until you have lived it.
I have watched a consistent pattern in my romantic options and what I find is hilarious. In the last six months or so, I have noticed that I have an uncanny and natural talent of attracting Europeans (not Americans who have European roots, but the kind that actually was bred in Europe). A sub-pattern to this is the European engineer (50% of the entire lot). Somebody made a joke once that I’m like a sailor with a man in every port in Europe. The sheer number of these occurrences tells me that this can’t be just mere coincidence. There must be some psychological explanation to these absurd patterns.
They say that patterns repeat themselves because there is a part of your unconsciousness wanting to heal itself. Jungian psychology talks about “the shadow” which is that aspect of yourself that you have shoved under the rug because it was undesirable to society and mainstream culture. And it’s not necessarily always the ugly characteristics either. Some of one’s positive characteristics and talents may be pushed away for one reason or another; and in this instance, it is called the “golden shadow”. In my case, I think writing has been my golden shadow. I have safely tucked it away, hidden from plain sight for a long time. Part of why I made the decision to publish this blog is to unleash that part of me and own that aspect of myself. In a deeper sense, this allows me to make myself vulnerable and release a little bit of control, both of which I think are very detrimental to my maturity and growth. Is the European thing a psychological project that I need to start owning? Is it a shadow of sorts?
I follow the Buddha’s advice of experiencing and experimenting in the romance department, to the consternation of a lot of my friends. I don’t have reservations about slamming handfuls of spaghetti after handfuls of spaghetti on the wall, to see which one sticks. As I get to know these people, I simultaneously and maybe even more importantly, get to examine my own self. Relationships are very powerful for reflecting ourselves back to us. Stuff that won’t necessarily come up in our daily lives only surface in the context of relationships.
I think another mound of spaghetti has slid down the wall again. That one went deeper than the others and I’m pretty sad about it. On the same token, I trust that what’s mine will come to me, so I’m not worried about it. But still it irks me that I have these patterns and I don’t know what they are telling me!!! If I were to be funny, I think it’s telling me that I should pack my bags and finally take that trip to Europe that I have been dreaming about. I could fly for free to Europe in February if I wanted to, except that I won’t have vacation time left if I spend a week in Manila and another week in Australia or somewhere in Asia in December.
I am out of theories on this one and I think I’m okay to putting this one to rest for now. I had a good run today. Tonight's a full moon and I have candles and a hot bath waiting.