Wednesday, June 30, 2010

And She Ran.

Be grateful for those moments when your ass gets kicked. Take these as humbling lessons that yet again, there is always work to be done. You can always go deeper.

I cannot believe how I suck at running. I have picked it up for about a week now and except for Half Moon Bay, I don't think I have even run for a full mile. However, since I’ve made a deliberate intention to train myself to run, it’s astonishing how I watch running change me. My mind has gone unwieldy since my return from Mexico, which probably has to do with the fact that I don’t have any major trips lined up for a while. Suddenly, I have no quick escape routes. I had to confront my current reality and the spoiled brat within me didn’t want to. I had this restlessness I cannot understand. My fuse was short with people and to me means that I was not being loving enough to myself, thus the shortage of love to others. I did not want to be by and with myself which is very, very unnatural for me. I wasn’t lucid – dreaming or awake. Nothing was flowing.

A friend helped me get out of the funk, but running has been helping me stay out of it. Life is not always pleasant. We deal with things we don't necessarily want to all the time. But they have to be done. For some people it's relationships with in-laws. For me, it's running. It's just not enjoyable for me. And this is precisely why I keep pushing myself to do it. I hate the idea of limits and boundaries. But I'm finding that the more I command myself to run, the more I am in control of my mind. And when this happens, I more accepting of life as it is.

So I drag myself to run, and although I don't think I have made any considerable and reportable progress on the running, I find that I am a lot quieter than I have been in these last few weeks. If this is all I ever get out of this, I suppose it's not that bad of a deal.

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