Where Am I?

Maybe it’s this weather compounded with my exhaustion from my recurring patterns with people in the past year that led me to brooding. The overcast skies and the sudden onslaught of cold and moisture yet again remind us that the sun cannot shine all the time. Perhaps we don’t even want it to. At least I don’t, personally. Among other things, life is about cycles. There’s time to roll in the grass and frolic in the sand barefoot. And now, we have to give way to hibernation and not to be brutal, but a little death. There was time for play and refusal to grow up, and now it’s time for a little honest contemplation and reflection.

The last few weeks, anger has made an appearance a few times and you would not believe how proud I am of myself for getting angry. I really am. For somebody who has, for the longest time, denied any emotion – both good and bad – it is a milestone to be finally letting all these emotions run through. In the last year of my marriage, I was getting hives every other day. No doctor could explain what was going on so I was left to carrying anti-histamines with me wherever I went. Coincidentally, that year was a year of profound denial for me. I had so much bottled up. I had anger, grief, bitterness, and shame, but I did not allow any of these emotions any expression. Why? Because I’ve gotten used to holding it together for the sake of other people. I allowed people to project perfection and strength on me and I had to keep carrying that burden at my own expense. It wasn’t martyrdom or pride in being the sacrificial lamb. I just honestly did not know how to deal with it any other way then. The last year, I have been trying to get healthier and happier. Has it worked? Tremendously. Is there more work to be done? Absolutely!

As a result of the intense reflection I have found myself in lately, here is what I am owning up to:

• I am not perfect. I am far from it. Although ultimately, I still believe that enlightenment is my raison d’etre, maybe my idea of getting there is too rigid, too boxed up, too idealized. I am human and I need to forgive myself for making mistakes. People tend to put me in this pedestal but I need to be wise and brave enough to realize when I am the receiver of such a projection and decline that crown of thorns. I don’t want it.
• I have feelings and yes, those feelings do not make sense to me a lot of times, just as they probably don’t to a large majority of the human population, but I am slowly understanding that maybe they don’t have to make sense. Feeling is not a cerebral function. There is no yardstick for how people should feel. My own experiences are teaching me that first, feelings ARE okay, and second, feelings don’t equate to drama. Emotions release themselves on their own once they are given the liberty of expression. We feel what we feel when we feel it for whatever reason we need to feel it.
• I have an ego (as evidenced by the few hundred I spent on shopping a couple weeks ago). I’m learning to accept my ego and not deny it. Maybe the point is not to be completely egoless at all times, but to not identify with it as who we truly are at the core. The key is to remember is that I have an ego; ego does not have me. It’s a delicate tightrope act, but that’s why we’re here.
• And most of all, I have NEEDS, just like any other person. I used to have an attitude about people and love that I am now realizing was quite righteous. I have tendency to give away the farm without expecting anything back. If it comes back, good. If it doesn't, that's the other person's prerogative. But since I have been slowing down, I realize that this might be expecting a little too much from myself. Maybe I'm prematurely trying to emulate pure unconditionality when I'm not completely ready for it. While unconditionality remains the goal, I have to be okay with the fact that I cannot stomach being loving to assholes right now. It doesn’t mean that I have given up on it, but this is really the time where my love for myself has to overpower my willingness and capacity to love others. Maybe one day, I will be loving regardless of whether they are total opportunists and extortionists or not, or maybe I will just need to find a different trail to get to that summit, but right now, I need to be honest about where I am. I need to be treated with dignity and respect. I honestly believe that every single human being in the planet deserves that but for some time, I believed that I was the exception. How arrogant! This must stop!
• It kills me to say this that is why I'm going to say it, but I have to say it again for my benefit and for emphasis. I have needs. I have to be okay to be on the receiving end. I have to be okay with the vulnerability. I have to be okay with admitting to wanting a solid, grounded, honest and loving relationship.

Why do I write about this shizzazz? Why do I write about my process? Primarily, I do it for me. It forces me to be honest about where I am because knowing my Self gives me more horsepower to keep on marching to where I’m supposed to go. I also draw so much inspiration from other people who do the work on themselves (the likes of The Italian and Abdi Assadi). So if in the same way, sharing my process helps out someone, then why wouldn’t I?

The sun broke free yesterday afternoon and it was exactly how I felt. I felt like I have a lot of grounding and centeredness back. I’m back to spending quality time being in my body on the Yoga mat. I have two solo international trips lined up (one of which is still in my head). I found myself at a jazz show by myself last night, just like the good old days, doing touristy things in my own town. This place is so familiar and it so very refreshing at the same time. It feels so damn good it really feels a lot like a gazillion sunshines suddenly burst from the clouds.

Namaste!

The Rest are Details

"I want to know God's thoughts, the rest are details. " - Albert Einstein

I have recently put myself in a compromising position. Albeit done consciously for the most part, it was something that I have not done in a long time. A very long time. I allowed my ego to take over. I ignored intuition and allowed to be led where I did not want to be.

I was driving the other day and I caught myself on the verge of beating myself up. In that split second, I was shaken awake. Why do I need to feel remorse, guilt, and shame? It finally dawned on me that THIS is what I am here to do. I am here to heal this sh*t, all that crap that has accumulated in this lifetime and in past ones, regardless of whether I desire this to be my last incarnation or not, or whether or not that really is up to me. It is not the right thing to do. It is the ONLY thing to do. I am here to have human experiences to transcend my humanity. I am here to get the cobwebs out of the way so I can see and tread my path with more clarity. I am here to give, but in the same token, I need to learn that I also need to allow myself to receive. I am here to love unconditionally and even if not perfectly, at least try. I am here to share soulful moments after soulful moments with other souls. I am here to be alive, to feel the universe exploding inside me every single moment. As Ram Dass would say, "To see as God sees, to love as God loves..."

BINGO. That's it.

Ultimately, that is WHY I am here. To be in God's head. To know God's thoughts.

The rest, ladies and gentlemen, are details.

Namaste and Hari Om Tat Sat!

Bad Reviews

I did not realize until now how Love has gotten so beaten up, misused, and how it evokes, almost invites, so much fear, dread, mockery and ridicule.

You get none of it and people pity you.

You get an abundance of it and people think you are delusional.

I furrow my eyebrows in confusion. What is it that these people want then?!

It is frustrating sometimes because people have their own, personal versions of "love" and "how things are ought to be" in their minds. Because this is what they know through experience, vicarious or otherwise, they assume those same rules MUST apply to everyone else. This is the tradeoff to being cognitive beings. A lot of what we know comes from direct personal experience. A + B = C. If in our own lives, A + B is ALWAYS = C, then it must be the same truth for all individuals, too! But here is what I have been doing over the last year of my life, and not just in the Love Department either. I contemplate, challenge and experiment if A + B is indeed = C.

Here is what I have been finding so far:

1. There is an immense amount of fear attached to love due to obvious reasons. We all have had our hearts and our selves broken at least once. If you haven't, there's already too many movies and songs out there that will make you feel that you have. This is completely okay. They say this is the human condition after all.

2. But did it ever occur to man that there is a variety out there where you do not lose any part of yourself despite how much you give, but quite the contrary, gain something each and every time instead? Isn't this what unconditional love is about, the Holy Grail of all people who seek love - loving for the sake of love and not expecting to get anything at all in return?

3. Love is known to take us to places within us where we are happy, carefree, liberated, truly present, and in the moment. Especially in the honeymoon stage, couples are pretty much sharing a meditative space when they are together, if we take meditation to mean as pure, undivided attention and/or presence. I sometimes think it's not the person we grow attached to, but the wonderful feelings that this person spurs. Therefore, when there is any threat of that person abandoning us, we feel the irrepressible urge to breathe into a bag. We get scared shitless. We are terrified that we are never going to feel that way ever again, that we are going to run out of the happy hormones.

4. So if you consider #2 & 3, I come up with the conclusion that maybe we need to look at things differently. I think that we should never be left wanting for "love". We must cultivate it in our deepest core until it just becomes us. If we are always full on our own, by ourselves, then loving one person, ten people, a hundred people, will not take away from that love in us. Because love has become you. Do flowers ever fear of losing their fragrance?

5. And just to reiterate, I believe that to love someone, you must first truly love yourself. Many of us do the typical lip service to this one, and people underestimate how much work this really entails.

6. And assuming I was wrong from #1-5, and assuming that there will be so much bloodbath after we have loved, SO THE F*CK WHAT???!!

It is a great thing to have friends who offer different perspectives. They mean well and have the best intentions. They caution you against falling in love because they don't desire your (eventual and in their view, inevitable) heartbreak and suffering. People view the romantic kind of love as investing, almost losing oneself, in the other person and in the relationship. Psychologically, I was told that this type of projection is inevitable, almost necessary, at least in the beginning of any relationship. However, the healthy thing to do is as the relationship grows, people must grow individually too and carefully and painstakingly, each person withdraws his/her projection of perfection from the other person.

I have confessed, even publicly in this blog, that I have started to feel my heart stir again, like it has not done so in a long time, or maybe ever. I am touching something so real and raw again. And the difference is, this time, I don't feel the need to cling to it or possess it. I want to allow it to unfold on its own. I anticipated how people would react to that admission, and sure enough, they think I'm nuts. Some of them don't know how exactly to react so they resort to the least threatening approach and laugh it off. To me, this is the most insulting. Mockery of someone's feelings is a bit unfair, I think. And that is completely okay, because if I allowed my intellect to take the rein on this one, I would be thinking of myself as a biga** fool, too.

But here is what I have been surrendering to lately.

Love is not a function of the mind. It is a function of the heart. And as Blaise Pascal so eloquently put it, "The heart has its reasons for which reason knows nothing."

So I shelf my mind for now since it has been running my life for most of my adult life. For once, I am allowing my life to be lived from the heart.

Namaste.