Sunday, April 3, 2011

Insane in the Membrane

Einstein, one of the greatest minds of all time, defines insanity as doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. Before I completely lost it tonight, I caught myself.

You may have heard me say before that I adhere to the philosophy (of a couple of my teachers) that relationship is the ultimate and could be the most difficult of all Yoga. While I have not read anything about Patanjali writing about it, I believe that relationships are so potent in reflecting back to us where we need work, what our fears are, and hopefully becoming aware of these things could eventually lead us to liberation, non-attachment, which should be tantamount to bliss.

I snapped The Dutch tonight. I was not communicating what I wanted and did not get what I wanted (shocker... you mean he's not psychic?) so I stuck my tongue out, arms crossed and stomped away. I felt incredibly empowered after my episode, too. I was laughing at how silly I acted. Heck, I was entitled to acting like a five year old!!!

But after two hours, like a child coming down from a sugar high, I felt bad. I am thirty-one and this was NOT how a mature, stable woman would act. The way I acted felt very familiar... sickeningly so. It was how I acted in previous relationships. I would/did/could not express what I need because I was in denial that I even had them. So when I am not getting fulfillment and satisfaction, I just shoved it under the rug and made believe that it has gone away forever.

Total B.S.

In a moment of clarity, I realized what I did and what the consequences are if I did not backpedal. I want this relationship to be built on communication, maturity, and ownership. How could I expect to invite in open communication if I'm not giving it myself? I want to be better at this because I know I can. I would be a total hypocrite and a complete failure if merely gloss over it. I know it will gnaw on me and eat me alive if I don't undo this terrible pattern.

So I picked up the phone and owned up to my irrational behavior. I said the things that were extremely difficult to say, regardless of how the other person might react or what he would think.

I feel very proud of myself for allowing vulnerability in. It is a very tender and raw place to be in, but at this point, there really is no other option.

I think I'm going to be up in this tightrope for a while....

Namaste from fifty feet up high..

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