I still have a lot of neurological re-engineering to do. The imprints of the caretaker archetype in my psyche is a lot harder to banish than I thought.
There has been no better word to describe how I have been feeling in the last few days than exhausted. Drained. Exhaustion and I got very intimate. Exhaustion and I have been sleeping together. I knew something was amiss because despite the constant heavy traffic in my life, I never get this way. Physical activity hardly ever exhausts me. I get tired, but I hardly ever know depletion. There are only two things that I can identify that exhaust the living daylights out of me – unnecessary exposure to people who are so bought into the illusion of their helplessness, and my own unhealthy patterns.
Yesterday, I found myself opening up to a long-time friend about some incomprehensible stuff that I didn’t realize I was keeping in. Old patterns are frigging hard to break, man. It turns out, I was falling back into old habits of selfish desires to control situations and people because I hate sitting in the unknown. They are about the persistent and unhealthy desire to give all of me but deny anything back in return. They are patterns of infallibility and perfection.
I honestly did not know I had been carrying this the last two weeks. But it’s amazing and beautiful to watch it release once it’s recognized and acknowledged. Thank you, Aussie.
Last night was the soundest sleep I have had in a couple of weeks. I feel like I was defibrillated. I am so relieved because I had to see the Little Guy today and he doesn’t deserve a half-assed, zombie reading tutor. He deserves 100% of me. Today is a big day for us because I got him a Star Wars (his favorite) book that is in his reading level.
And to practice being on the receiving end, I’ve accepted an invitation to go to a Volunteer Services Appreciation social. I cannot be arrogant to think that helping out a child doesn’t deserve a little pat on the back and some ice cream. Little Guy’s teacher gave me an RGJ clip two weeks ago stating that it has been proven that children who receive tutoring help do exhibit quantifiable improvements in reading and math aptitude. I need to be open to receive gratitude when I deserved it.
I am making a difference. I don’t know why that’s so hard to admit but it is.
Tomorrow is another day to make a difference. Tomorrow is another day to recreate our future - inner and outer both.
Happy Thursday and Namaste!