Monday, October 4, 2010

No Expectations. Only Surprises.

One of the best feelings like rainy Monday mornings (oh my God, everything is just so fresh…), is the feeling you get around people who do not expect anything from you. It’s not very easy to describe and I do think it takes a certain degree of awareness to tap into it, but when you get tuned to that place where the guards go down and you are not merely someone playing a role or reading from a script, it feels so damn good. This is why I crave being around my family so much. To them, I’m not someone who has accomplished this or that, who owns this or that. The labels of “spiritual”, “intellectual”, “successful”, yadda yadda yadda fall away. I’m not intimidating and powerful. I’m not *insert adjective here* relative to somebody else. I would like to think that I have even transcended the role of “daughter” or “cousin” or “niece”. When I’m around these people, I become Nobody. I love it. It's refreshing. Sometimes, the Somebody-ness that other people have built around me gets exhausting. And the humble home on Strawberry Way becomes my refuge.

My Grandma of 92 ½ also provides such warm solace and she doesn’t even know it. She doesn’t care about my identity, my role. Heck, she doesn’t even remember me! I am nameless, void of an identity and a personality. Every time I see her, it is like she is meeting me for the very first time. She is hardly ever coherent, and oftentimes, she would be asleep. When we watch people age like this, we really realize how the material, worldly things, have very little bearing. There is absolutely nothing material she needs or wants from me. There is absolutely nothing material I can give her. The only thing I can give her is love, and the only way I can give that to her is shower her with undiluted, unadulterated, full strength presence. When I’m with her, I am WITH HER. Nothing else. One day, her and I sat in the living room and I just let her listen to Bach from my iPod. Sometimes, I meditate while I hold her hand. I mean, what else can you do?

On the same floor is Rudy. He is, I don’t know, maybe 80, and the first time he saw me by the elevator, he said, “Will you save the first dance for me?” He won me over that day. Now, every time I see him, I talk to him for a little bit and he would be grinning from ear to ear. I would hear him chuckling as the elevator doors slowly shut before me. Nursing homes are brutal and sterile; there is very little laughter around. If I can give someone a few laughs with a smile and a wink, I’m all about it.

The non-romantic, non-relationship with The Italian is going well. Sometimes I wonder if having him around could be one of the psychologically healthiest things for me right now. It is a very honest, uncomplicated, clean relationship. It is really teaching me to slow down. This person seriously does not want nor need anything from me, it is very liberating. I have to admit that in the beginning, it was very confusing for the ego. How could this person not want anything from me?!

But the longer I know him, the more I see his conviction, strength and most of all, integrity. He does not want to get me laid. He doesn’t want me to care for him. He doesn’t want me to fall in love with him. I, in turn, trust him and do nothing to manipulate him or the situation. We are each our individual person and no attempts at filling each other's cavities - no co-dependency. All motives are made explicit - no stealthy manipulative tactics.

Yesterday, he made me push my limits and made me run three miles in the middle of the day while I trailed half a mile behind him. Absolutely awful for my ego, but good for my Self. Back at his place, he commended me for eating my lunch slowly and at the table, as opposed to eating on the couch in front of the TV as he often does. It's miniscule, but in a day, we have made a difference in each other's lives (as is almost always the case with The Italian). He teaches me to speed up once in a while. I teach him to slow down once in a while. Life is good. :)

This baffles a couple of people who know that I have been seeing him for seven months now. Why aren’t you together? Why are you still seeing him? Why? What are you guys exactly?

Aside from what I have already gushed in this and in previous posts, who the F cares??? What does it matter? Why complicate something that doesn’t need to be complicated? Our conversations are always enriching. We do a lot of fun, great stuff together and we always have an amazing, full and rich time. We share a deep mutual respect for each other, and while there's always work at the acceptance part, we try our hardest. The whole process is as organic like I've never seen before. When our time together is done, we release it. It’s done. Finito.

Non-possessive. Non-attachment. Complete trust in the moment and in the unknown.

No expectations.

Only surprises.


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